The pain of learning
Immediately you have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"
But soon enough, you must ask, "How do I measure worth?"
And then you ask, "Why am I measuring? What does measuring my own experience accomplish?"
I signed on to a job at a place where I have never felt so much like "That kid off the street".
My brain is pushed(I allow my brain to be pushed), to the point where it is so stimulated by the pain of absorbing, problem solving, and understanding new material that after only 5 hours of work, I come home and my brain is in a state of mush that can only be explained by asking you to imagine putting your hand in a brand new solidified square of RAINBOW COLORED JELL-O. I can watch television or talk to roommates in an attempt to unwind, but soon enough my brain gives me no choice but to lie in my bed with my eyes closed, too mentally fatigued to contemplate if and when unconsciousness will hit.
Usually, 5.5 hours later, my brain jolts me awake. It has been working. "Leora, Leora, I've been fiddling. Remember how he was talking about the trick to improve the R^2 number? Using categorical variables one must still be able to shift the linear regression line. We can either shift or rotate the line by creating a new column filled with 0's or 1's using one value of the categorical feature. If that example contains the value of the categorical feature that the aforementioned column is defined by, it is filled with 1, else 0. If the line shifts up, we know that value is associated with higher efforts, line shift down, lower efforts. The categorical variables have to do with the complexity of the space mission, flight computer redundancy (how active are the back-up computers on the mission), how much software was inherited, etc. For missions I now know the name of almost by heart. The sheet of numbers and parameters now a visual permanently pinned at the top of my pupils, just out of present sight, but always lurking. Learning this new data on a medley of different computer platforms, learning the platforms as I go along. Getting R to spit out a summary of the results of multiple linear regression, using Tableau to dynamically display the data with the click of a mouse in as many forms and colors as one could imagine, writing Python scripts to ready the data for Principal Component Analysis, using Excel formulas to do things quickly that I don't have time to figure out in the other platforms. Analyzing data that pertains to software metrics, cost modeling, JPL culture, all new things to me. Learning different ways to measure lines of code, how it is used to come up with a productivity measure, what "effort" in software cost modeling means. Math, Statistics, Software, Outer Space, Data Mining, gravity, data, engineering, acronyms. It is overwhelming when I think about it, maybe HOW I think about it. No, it's a lot for me. Period.
I used to follow work hours with night school, with no real sleeping. My brain shut off my consciousness, but so obviously kept everything else revving at full throttle. My brain was obviously not equipped to handle it. Friendships, personal relationships, were all fragile, because I was fragile. I minimized how much I socialized, and let many people slip away. Even now, after carefully scheduling school to only take place on Saturdays, going to bed most nights at 8:30 or 9, a low dosage of an anti-depressant medication to rebalance the chemicals in my brain, I am barely surviving my 8-16 hours of work/week.
It makes me question my motives. Why I am where I am. If it is so hard, why do I continue to subject myself to it? Does it mean I shouldn't be, not meant to work in the way I am? It is so painful for me, but not necessarily as painful for others, although there is no way of measuring, knowing.
My knowing, knowledge, understanding is increasing rapidly. I know after a day where my brain is jolted awake, to take a few days of ease, responding to my brain instincts of rest, zoning out, distraction, anything but force. Minimize decision making. It still takes a day or two to reconnect with my less forced wavelengths. Is this happening to me or am I letting it happen to me. One and the same. Like experiences in weightlifting and basketball, things are hard for a time. You are pushed beyond your limits until your muscles and neurons adapt. Now it is not of the physical, but of the mental.
I know I have "intelligence", I have "imagination". I have "attention to detail" and "abstract reasoning". I don't know if asking Am I smart enough?, Am I good enough? are the right questions to ask. How painful is it supposed to be to use my brain the way I am? If I am going wrong, where am I going wrong? Is it just the pain of learning, and this too shall pass?
As always, time tells.
But soon enough, you must ask, "How do I measure worth?"
And then you ask, "Why am I measuring? What does measuring my own experience accomplish?"
I signed on to a job at a place where I have never felt so much like "That kid off the street".
My brain is pushed(I allow my brain to be pushed), to the point where it is so stimulated by the pain of absorbing, problem solving, and understanding new material that after only 5 hours of work, I come home and my brain is in a state of mush that can only be explained by asking you to imagine putting your hand in a brand new solidified square of RAINBOW COLORED JELL-O. I can watch television or talk to roommates in an attempt to unwind, but soon enough my brain gives me no choice but to lie in my bed with my eyes closed, too mentally fatigued to contemplate if and when unconsciousness will hit.
Usually, 5.5 hours later, my brain jolts me awake. It has been working. "Leora, Leora, I've been fiddling. Remember how he was talking about the trick to improve the R^2 number? Using categorical variables one must still be able to shift the linear regression line. We can either shift or rotate the line by creating a new column filled with 0's or 1's using one value of the categorical feature. If that example contains the value of the categorical feature that the aforementioned column is defined by, it is filled with 1, else 0. If the line shifts up, we know that value is associated with higher efforts, line shift down, lower efforts. The categorical variables have to do with the complexity of the space mission, flight computer redundancy (how active are the back-up computers on the mission), how much software was inherited, etc. For missions I now know the name of almost by heart. The sheet of numbers and parameters now a visual permanently pinned at the top of my pupils, just out of present sight, but always lurking. Learning this new data on a medley of different computer platforms, learning the platforms as I go along. Getting R to spit out a summary of the results of multiple linear regression, using Tableau to dynamically display the data with the click of a mouse in as many forms and colors as one could imagine, writing Python scripts to ready the data for Principal Component Analysis, using Excel formulas to do things quickly that I don't have time to figure out in the other platforms. Analyzing data that pertains to software metrics, cost modeling, JPL culture, all new things to me. Learning different ways to measure lines of code, how it is used to come up with a productivity measure, what "effort" in software cost modeling means. Math, Statistics, Software, Outer Space, Data Mining, gravity, data, engineering, acronyms. It is overwhelming when I think about it, maybe HOW I think about it. No, it's a lot for me. Period.
I used to follow work hours with night school, with no real sleeping. My brain shut off my consciousness, but so obviously kept everything else revving at full throttle. My brain was obviously not equipped to handle it. Friendships, personal relationships, were all fragile, because I was fragile. I minimized how much I socialized, and let many people slip away. Even now, after carefully scheduling school to only take place on Saturdays, going to bed most nights at 8:30 or 9, a low dosage of an anti-depressant medication to rebalance the chemicals in my brain, I am barely surviving my 8-16 hours of work/week.
It makes me question my motives. Why I am where I am. If it is so hard, why do I continue to subject myself to it? Does it mean I shouldn't be, not meant to work in the way I am? It is so painful for me, but not necessarily as painful for others, although there is no way of measuring, knowing.
My knowing, knowledge, understanding is increasing rapidly. I know after a day where my brain is jolted awake, to take a few days of ease, responding to my brain instincts of rest, zoning out, distraction, anything but force. Minimize decision making. It still takes a day or two to reconnect with my less forced wavelengths. Is this happening to me or am I letting it happen to me. One and the same. Like experiences in weightlifting and basketball, things are hard for a time. You are pushed beyond your limits until your muscles and neurons adapt. Now it is not of the physical, but of the mental.
I know I have "intelligence", I have "imagination". I have "attention to detail" and "abstract reasoning". I don't know if asking Am I smart enough?, Am I good enough? are the right questions to ask. How painful is it supposed to be to use my brain the way I am? If I am going wrong, where am I going wrong? Is it just the pain of learning, and this too shall pass?
As always, time tells.
Jello, program, and statistics. Looking forward to reading more.
ReplyDelete